Rambling Thoughts.

It's been a while.

I don't know why I'm writing an entry, I really don't care about this anymore. Hell, I don't even think anyone even comes around these parts anymore!

So once upon a time, long ago, I wanted to become a writer. I felt that I had a decent talent with writing down my thoughts and being able to express them in a way that seemed interesting. Well I have given up on that dream. It's not that I think that I can't write, I just don't find as much joy in it as I once did. It doesn't suit my needs anymore. I'm at this point in my life where I am between dreams. I don't really have much direction of where I am going or what I want to become. I'm just here. Living life, day by day, trying to stay afloat. My life isn't that bad but at the same time, it isn't that great. It just seems that I do the same thing over and over again: school, work, homework, school, work, homework. It's a rare even that I do things with people, mostly I am by myself. I'm becoming quite the introvert you could say.

I have been back from my mission for about eight months now and there has been a lot of changes in that short time. I'm not where I imagined myself to be. I use to dream about it out in the front yard of that house in Mthatha. I would be the most outgoing guy on campus. I would have an awesome job (not that a night-shift baker isn't "awesome"). Most of all, I would have her right next to me. Now I sit here in my little room in little Cache Valley and keep wondering, "what happened? This wasn't in the picture, this wasn't part of the plan." It hurts me when I get wondering like that. I don't like it. I had a dream, I had a plan, and now I'm freaking out because I'm not living that plan. It drives me insane, it drives me down beyond where I want to be. It's a roller coaster of sadness I can't seem to get off.

I don't really talk about this with other people, in their eyes, I'm supposed to be the perfect, happy returned-missionary. I'm supposed to be on the top of the world. I just finished my service in the greatest army ever, defending the greatest cause of liberty out there. I'm supposed to be hitting 3-pointers like no tomorrow, saving cats from trees, lifting and carrying the weak. I'm supposed to be melting every girl's heart out there. This is supposed to be easy street for the next while. Right?

I've tried talking to my buddy about her and my pains but he relates it back to him and his sorrows but also his success of late (he's going the way of eternal soon). I don't think he sees me screaming silently for help. I've pretty much given up talking to him about it. It's hard. It really is. I'm sick of the reoccurring dreams about running into her and finally closing that door. I'm sick of reliving moments past, stumbling upon old things that bring back remembrance.

Anyways, I'm rambling here. Back to the superhero RM. I'm not that. In fact, I envy Elder Naylor. I feel that he had it so figured out. He had so much confidence and a shining countenance. I just sit here and argue with myself to read my scriptures each night. I don't date. Girls intimidate me. Plus I'm not sure how to really go about it. Do I just walk up to my neighbor (who doesn't even really know me) and be all like "GIRL! Yo' want to go outs wits meh?"Yeah, for me, it won't work like that. I'm WAY too passive. I have to be eased into a situation. But situations never come up for me. Why? Well looky here, we have come full circle. I spend most of my time doing school, work, homework, and burrowed up in my little 10 by 14 room. Where do I find these moments? Church activities only happen once in a blue moon and usually I'm working. Go me.

But I didn't start this post with the intention on turning it into a pity party aimed at me. Things will get better. Every time I get to go out, I try to make the best of it. I try to put myself out there. Only time will tell. I don't have a bad life, in fact I'm pretty damn lucky to be where I am today. I am on a good path, but it's up to me to make sure I see that. It's up to me to make the best of what I have.

But let me tell you this, when I find that girl, when she finally comes into my life, I'm going to make her feel like the luckiest girl to ever live. I don't know when that will be. I don't know where I will be in terms of my life but I hope it's soon.

"There's a girl, I don't know her name, but I get so lonely I can picture her face. But for now we go our separate ways but I'm going to marry that girl one day."

So that's just some of my rambling thoughts in my head.

Compulsively Connecting

I took a deep breath as I stood in the hallway
In and Out
Simple as that.
But was it?
My brain processed on what was going on:
Oxygen goes into my lungs
Oxygen gets absorbed into my blood stream,
Travels to my heart,
Then to the rest of my body
Used blood enters my heart
Then to my lungs
CO2 gets sent out of my mouth
All in a matter of seconds.
I get frustrated with myself, I always do that.
Over think things.
Take simple things and dissect them.
My brain never stops
I traveled up the stairs,
Each one screaming at me as
I step on them, all 10 of them.
There has always been 10.
I knew that
I counted each time.
Once again I got frustrated.
I grabbed my coat and my keys
And headed to the car.

Once Again....

I can't write
Why do I keep telling myself I can?
I can't write about love.
I can't write about life.
I can't write.
My mind wonders too much.
To express my thoughts
Would be like
A metaphor without reason.
I don't know big words,
I don't draw people in.
Taking them out of this world.
The other day I was starring at my four walls.
My? Wrong word.
These four walls.
I thought of the memories they hold,
The tales they could tale.
The journeys they have started.
A young mother with her first child.
A young father with the world in his hands.
A child with dreams
But the dreams dissolve into reality

A boy.
A boy that wants to change the world,
But doesn't know how.A boy that is growing up.
Still.

lareneg si efil yM

The snow was falling.  Not from the sky.  From the mountain.  Soon I was engulfed into a new life, a life of darkness, a life of nothing.  The snow instantly stopped and I was trapped, couldn't move.  The strange thing was though, I could still breath.  My heart was racing, my eyes were covered, yet I was still breathing!  I had no idea where the oxygen was coming from, but it was coming, but for how long?  I tried moving my legs. No luck. My arms. No luck. My head.  Nothing.  There was no way that I would get out alone.  Wait, I was alone.  What if I died?  What if I died here, all alone.  Suddenly I felt as though the oxygen was taunting me.  I knew where it came from and so did the oxygen.  It came from out there, a place where I had once been apart of.  A place that I once called home.

I was married.  Once.  I once was married to the girl of my dreams.  She loved me and I loved her.  Perfection.  We made plan after plan on what we were going to do with our life together.  Travel and see the world, fall asleep holding each other, watch movie after movie...the list went on.  I couldn't have asked for anything else.  We got married, then reality hit.  I was working full time at a job.  It doesn't matter what job it was, in fact, I can't even remember.  I had so many.  I had used my savings and we rented a small apartment.  We were able to furnish it with a bed and a card table.  Nothing else, for that was all we could afford.  Then Sam was born.  Then Sam died.  Our plans shattered.  She blamed herself for his death.  It was something she did wrong during the pregnancy.  She was wrong though.  She did everything right.  I told her that.  She didn't believe me.  She started to lay in bed longer than normal.  She started to sleep with her back facing me.  She started to get angry at me.  I started to not know her anymore.  That wasn't the girl I married.  Then she started moving stuff out.

Then she was gone.

My life was shattered.  Each night, I would come home to an empty bed.  She said she needed to be away from me for awhile.  I reminded her too much of what happened.  I would call her, she wouldn't answer.  Then I started.  Bottle after bottle, my worries would disappear.  I liked it.  I was able to wake up in the morning...er...afternoon, and not remember the night before.  It kept me from keeping my head on straight, thus I could never focus on my life's problems.

Then I lost my job.  Then I lost my apartment.  I was back in with my parents, they knew my ways of forgetting was a problem.  Heck, I knew it was, but it helped me out that I couldn't get rid of it.   Soon, my mother was telling me that I wasn't her same sweet boy anymore.  Soon, my father was saying the same.  I looked into the mirror, I starred at my reflection.  Soon my reflection was telling me that I wasn't the same.  I couldn't do this anymore.

I went driving, but driving never led me anywhere, I always had to return right back to where I started.  I soon started to get adventurous by driving up the canyon and seeing how far I was able to go.  I was driving up the canyon and it started to snow.  Hard.  Soon I was having a hard time seeing out my windshield.  I kept looking for a point to turn around, I never found one.  Soon my truck was stuck, it wouldn't move another foot.  I had two options: stay in the truck and wait it out, or get out and walk down the canyon.  Option one was fine for the moment, but then the truck's gas would be gone and so would I.  The second option seemed like the best, I had a heavy coat on and the snow from the previous storm was hard enough that treking through it wouldn't be too hard.

I started walking, but I didn't make more than 200 yards from my truck when I tripped and down I went. Not just down to the ground, but down the side of the mountain.  I just kept falling, soon the snow around me started to move, to fall with me.  I was engulfed.  I was trapped.  Now I sit here, not being able to move.  What is going to happen?  Here is what's going to happen: I will die here, alone.  Will I be missed? Will I be remembered or just forgotten.  Forgotten like the winter once spring hits.  Will I just melt away with the snow? Sam, here comes daddy.

The Gloomy Optimist

I whisper hopes into my ear
Yet my mind never reaches for them
I try to convince myself.
Convince myself of what?
I grasp for a concept I shall never know
Each day, seeking deeper and deeper.
Why do I do this to myself?
I want things to be...that's it,
I don't know what I want things to be.
I think I had an idea once,
maybe twice
But now I am completely blank
Each night I run through it over and over again.
Each time, a different result
The good,
The bad,
The impossible,
but is it probable?
I will never know,
I will never try.
I don't regret.
But sometimes I think I should regret not regretting,
For regretting would make me
Mysterious?
A man with a past,
Something he won't talk about.
I have a past, that's for sure,
But I will talk about it, if you will listen
If anyone would.
I have an idea of a future,
one where you aren't in it.
But who are 'you'?
I have a dream of a life,
where you and I are together.
Not you, the other you
But then again, who are 'you'?
Please, please,
Come out and say.

Reflections

I stare.
I stare aimlessly into the mirror
Into the eyes of the figure
The figure that isn't me at all.
My eyes burn
Retinas parched like a desert
Confusion sets in
Who is that looking back at me?
Though as I sink deeper into his eyes
I recognize
I recognize a person I once new
Someone who laughed
                        Smiled
                        Loved
But now he looks unfamiliar
Of that of the past
I stare even harder
My eyes scream for moisture
Then I blink
And there I am
Starring at myself
In the mirror

TO(get)HER

Forever.
Aspiration.
Miracle.
Inviting.
Loving.
Yours.

A Family is forever
Doesn't matter what happens
Aspiration keeps them alive
A Family is a miracle
Doesn't matter what you do
They always are inviting
A Family is loving
There for strength
To put a smile upon your face
A Family is Yours