lareneg si efil yM

The snow was falling.  Not from the sky.  From the mountain.  Soon I was engulfed into a new life, a life of darkness, a life of nothing.  The snow instantly stopped and I was trapped, couldn't move.  The strange thing was though, I could still breath.  My heart was racing, my eyes were covered, yet I was still breathing!  I had no idea where the oxygen was coming from, but it was coming, but for how long?  I tried moving my legs. No luck. My arms. No luck. My head.  Nothing.  There was no way that I would get out alone.  Wait, I was alone.  What if I died?  What if I died here, all alone.  Suddenly I felt as though the oxygen was taunting me.  I knew where it came from and so did the oxygen.  It came from out there, a place where I had once been apart of.  A place that I once called home.

I was married.  Once.  I once was married to the girl of my dreams.  She loved me and I loved her.  Perfection.  We made plan after plan on what we were going to do with our life together.  Travel and see the world, fall asleep holding each other, watch movie after movie...the list went on.  I couldn't have asked for anything else.  We got married, then reality hit.  I was working full time at a job.  It doesn't matter what job it was, in fact, I can't even remember.  I had so many.  I had used my savings and we rented a small apartment.  We were able to furnish it with a bed and a card table.  Nothing else, for that was all we could afford.  Then Sam was born.  Then Sam died.  Our plans shattered.  She blamed herself for his death.  It was something she did wrong during the pregnancy.  She was wrong though.  She did everything right.  I told her that.  She didn't believe me.  She started to lay in bed longer than normal.  She started to sleep with her back facing me.  She started to get angry at me.  I started to not know her anymore.  That wasn't the girl I married.  Then she started moving stuff out.

Then she was gone.

My life was shattered.  Each night, I would come home to an empty bed.  She said she needed to be away from me for awhile.  I reminded her too much of what happened.  I would call her, she wouldn't answer.  Then I started.  Bottle after bottle, my worries would disappear.  I liked it.  I was able to wake up in the morning...er...afternoon, and not remember the night before.  It kept me from keeping my head on straight, thus I could never focus on my life's problems.

Then I lost my job.  Then I lost my apartment.  I was back in with my parents, they knew my ways of forgetting was a problem.  Heck, I knew it was, but it helped me out that I couldn't get rid of it.   Soon, my mother was telling me that I wasn't her same sweet boy anymore.  Soon, my father was saying the same.  I looked into the mirror, I starred at my reflection.  Soon my reflection was telling me that I wasn't the same.  I couldn't do this anymore.

I went driving, but driving never led me anywhere, I always had to return right back to where I started.  I soon started to get adventurous by driving up the canyon and seeing how far I was able to go.  I was driving up the canyon and it started to snow.  Hard.  Soon I was having a hard time seeing out my windshield.  I kept looking for a point to turn around, I never found one.  Soon my truck was stuck, it wouldn't move another foot.  I had two options: stay in the truck and wait it out, or get out and walk down the canyon.  Option one was fine for the moment, but then the truck's gas would be gone and so would I.  The second option seemed like the best, I had a heavy coat on and the snow from the previous storm was hard enough that treking through it wouldn't be too hard.

I started walking, but I didn't make more than 200 yards from my truck when I tripped and down I went. Not just down to the ground, but down the side of the mountain.  I just kept falling, soon the snow around me started to move, to fall with me.  I was engulfed.  I was trapped.  Now I sit here, not being able to move.  What is going to happen?  Here is what's going to happen: I will die here, alone.  Will I be missed? Will I be remembered or just forgotten.  Forgotten like the winter once spring hits.  Will I just melt away with the snow? Sam, here comes daddy.

The Gloomy Optimist

I whisper hopes into my ear
Yet my mind never reaches for them
I try to convince myself.
Convince myself of what?
I grasp for a concept I shall never know
Each day, seeking deeper and deeper.
Why do I do this to myself?
I want things to be...that's it,
I don't know what I want things to be.
I think I had an idea once,
maybe twice
But now I am completely blank
Each night I run through it over and over again.
Each time, a different result
The good,
The bad,
The impossible,
but is it probable?
I will never know,
I will never try.
I don't regret.
But sometimes I think I should regret not regretting,
For regretting would make me
Mysterious?
A man with a past,
Something he won't talk about.
I have a past, that's for sure,
But I will talk about it, if you will listen
If anyone would.
I have an idea of a future,
one where you aren't in it.
But who are 'you'?
I have a dream of a life,
where you and I are together.
Not you, the other you
But then again, who are 'you'?
Please, please,
Come out and say.

Reflections

I stare.
I stare aimlessly into the mirror
Into the eyes of the figure
The figure that isn't me at all.
My eyes burn
Retinas parched like a desert
Confusion sets in
Who is that looking back at me?
Though as I sink deeper into his eyes
I recognize
I recognize a person I once new
Someone who laughed
                        Smiled
                        Loved
But now he looks unfamiliar
Of that of the past
I stare even harder
My eyes scream for moisture
Then I blink
And there I am
Starring at myself
In the mirror

TO(get)HER

Forever.
Aspiration.
Miracle.
Inviting.
Loving.
Yours.

A Family is forever
Doesn't matter what happens
Aspiration keeps them alive
A Family is a miracle
Doesn't matter what you do
They always are inviting
A Family is loving
There for strength
To put a smile upon your face
A Family is Yours

I Focused Too Much On Shoelaces...They're Too Tight

I'm just dazed
In the unforgettable
Moment I'm in.
It's just strange,
The action that I go
Through each day.
I'm trying to get out,
I'm trying to leave,
But the days just go by,
Like seconds in my life.

Dave Smallen

So instead of me putting one of my writings up today, I thought I would help an artist out. Dave Smallen is musician that makes wonderful music and needs to be heard, so if interested, head over to www.davesmallen.com to listen to his stuff. He is a very talented person and needs the credit he deserves. His new album, "Everything Changes and Nothing Changes" comes out on iTunes 12.1.09. Please check him out.

They Say I Am A Hope(less Romantic)

What is this?

What hopes have I got myself into this time?

Your hair is growing old with this moment

And here we are, falling away like leaves upon a dead ground.

I desperately count my worries away

For if I shall fall asleep with them,

I always wake up on the wrong side.

I scream the quietest secret

For no one can know

My mind observes

And states:

"What is this?"