Rambling Thoughts.

It's been a while.

I don't know why I'm writing an entry, I really don't care about this anymore. Hell, I don't even think anyone even comes around these parts anymore!

So once upon a time, long ago, I wanted to become a writer. I felt that I had a decent talent with writing down my thoughts and being able to express them in a way that seemed interesting. Well I have given up on that dream. It's not that I think that I can't write, I just don't find as much joy in it as I once did. It doesn't suit my needs anymore. I'm at this point in my life where I am between dreams. I don't really have much direction of where I am going or what I want to become. I'm just here. Living life, day by day, trying to stay afloat. My life isn't that bad but at the same time, it isn't that great. It just seems that I do the same thing over and over again: school, work, homework, school, work, homework. It's a rare even that I do things with people, mostly I am by myself. I'm becoming quite the introvert you could say.

I have been back from my mission for about eight months now and there has been a lot of changes in that short time. I'm not where I imagined myself to be. I use to dream about it out in the front yard of that house in Mthatha. I would be the most outgoing guy on campus. I would have an awesome job (not that a night-shift baker isn't "awesome"). Most of all, I would have her right next to me. Now I sit here in my little room in little Cache Valley and keep wondering, "what happened? This wasn't in the picture, this wasn't part of the plan." It hurts me when I get wondering like that. I don't like it. I had a dream, I had a plan, and now I'm freaking out because I'm not living that plan. It drives me insane, it drives me down beyond where I want to be. It's a roller coaster of sadness I can't seem to get off.

I don't really talk about this with other people, in their eyes, I'm supposed to be the perfect, happy returned-missionary. I'm supposed to be on the top of the world. I just finished my service in the greatest army ever, defending the greatest cause of liberty out there. I'm supposed to be hitting 3-pointers like no tomorrow, saving cats from trees, lifting and carrying the weak. I'm supposed to be melting every girl's heart out there. This is supposed to be easy street for the next while. Right?

I've tried talking to my buddy about her and my pains but he relates it back to him and his sorrows but also his success of late (he's going the way of eternal soon). I don't think he sees me screaming silently for help. I've pretty much given up talking to him about it. It's hard. It really is. I'm sick of the reoccurring dreams about running into her and finally closing that door. I'm sick of reliving moments past, stumbling upon old things that bring back remembrance.

Anyways, I'm rambling here. Back to the superhero RM. I'm not that. In fact, I envy Elder Naylor. I feel that he had it so figured out. He had so much confidence and a shining countenance. I just sit here and argue with myself to read my scriptures each night. I don't date. Girls intimidate me. Plus I'm not sure how to really go about it. Do I just walk up to my neighbor (who doesn't even really know me) and be all like "GIRL! Yo' want to go outs wits meh?"Yeah, for me, it won't work like that. I'm WAY too passive. I have to be eased into a situation. But situations never come up for me. Why? Well looky here, we have come full circle. I spend most of my time doing school, work, homework, and burrowed up in my little 10 by 14 room. Where do I find these moments? Church activities only happen once in a blue moon and usually I'm working. Go me.

But I didn't start this post with the intention on turning it into a pity party aimed at me. Things will get better. Every time I get to go out, I try to make the best of it. I try to put myself out there. Only time will tell. I don't have a bad life, in fact I'm pretty damn lucky to be where I am today. I am on a good path, but it's up to me to make sure I see that. It's up to me to make the best of what I have.

But let me tell you this, when I find that girl, when she finally comes into my life, I'm going to make her feel like the luckiest girl to ever live. I don't know when that will be. I don't know where I will be in terms of my life but I hope it's soon.

"There's a girl, I don't know her name, but I get so lonely I can picture her face. But for now we go our separate ways but I'm going to marry that girl one day."

So that's just some of my rambling thoughts in my head.