lareneg si efil yM

The snow was falling.  Not from the sky.  From the mountain.  Soon I was engulfed into a new life, a life of darkness, a life of nothing.  The snow instantly stopped and I was trapped, couldn't move.  The strange thing was though, I could still breath.  My heart was racing, my eyes were covered, yet I was still breathing!  I had no idea where the oxygen was coming from, but it was coming, but for how long?  I tried moving my legs. No luck. My arms. No luck. My head.  Nothing.  There was no way that I would get out alone.  Wait, I was alone.  What if I died?  What if I died here, all alone.  Suddenly I felt as though the oxygen was taunting me.  I knew where it came from and so did the oxygen.  It came from out there, a place where I had once been apart of.  A place that I once called home.

I was married.  Once.  I once was married to the girl of my dreams.  She loved me and I loved her.  Perfection.  We made plan after plan on what we were going to do with our life together.  Travel and see the world, fall asleep holding each other, watch movie after movie...the list went on.  I couldn't have asked for anything else.  We got married, then reality hit.  I was working full time at a job.  It doesn't matter what job it was, in fact, I can't even remember.  I had so many.  I had used my savings and we rented a small apartment.  We were able to furnish it with a bed and a card table.  Nothing else, for that was all we could afford.  Then Sam was born.  Then Sam died.  Our plans shattered.  She blamed herself for his death.  It was something she did wrong during the pregnancy.  She was wrong though.  She did everything right.  I told her that.  She didn't believe me.  She started to lay in bed longer than normal.  She started to sleep with her back facing me.  She started to get angry at me.  I started to not know her anymore.  That wasn't the girl I married.  Then she started moving stuff out.

Then she was gone.

My life was shattered.  Each night, I would come home to an empty bed.  She said she needed to be away from me for awhile.  I reminded her too much of what happened.  I would call her, she wouldn't answer.  Then I started.  Bottle after bottle, my worries would disappear.  I liked it.  I was able to wake up in the morning...er...afternoon, and not remember the night before.  It kept me from keeping my head on straight, thus I could never focus on my life's problems.

Then I lost my job.  Then I lost my apartment.  I was back in with my parents, they knew my ways of forgetting was a problem.  Heck, I knew it was, but it helped me out that I couldn't get rid of it.   Soon, my mother was telling me that I wasn't her same sweet boy anymore.  Soon, my father was saying the same.  I looked into the mirror, I starred at my reflection.  Soon my reflection was telling me that I wasn't the same.  I couldn't do this anymore.

I went driving, but driving never led me anywhere, I always had to return right back to where I started.  I soon started to get adventurous by driving up the canyon and seeing how far I was able to go.  I was driving up the canyon and it started to snow.  Hard.  Soon I was having a hard time seeing out my windshield.  I kept looking for a point to turn around, I never found one.  Soon my truck was stuck, it wouldn't move another foot.  I had two options: stay in the truck and wait it out, or get out and walk down the canyon.  Option one was fine for the moment, but then the truck's gas would be gone and so would I.  The second option seemed like the best, I had a heavy coat on and the snow from the previous storm was hard enough that treking through it wouldn't be too hard.

I started walking, but I didn't make more than 200 yards from my truck when I tripped and down I went. Not just down to the ground, but down the side of the mountain.  I just kept falling, soon the snow around me started to move, to fall with me.  I was engulfed.  I was trapped.  Now I sit here, not being able to move.  What is going to happen?  Here is what's going to happen: I will die here, alone.  Will I be missed? Will I be remembered or just forgotten.  Forgotten like the winter once spring hits.  Will I just melt away with the snow? Sam, here comes daddy.

The Gloomy Optimist

I whisper hopes into my ear
Yet my mind never reaches for them
I try to convince myself.
Convince myself of what?
I grasp for a concept I shall never know
Each day, seeking deeper and deeper.
Why do I do this to myself?
I want things to be...that's it,
I don't know what I want things to be.
I think I had an idea once,
maybe twice
But now I am completely blank
Each night I run through it over and over again.
Each time, a different result
The good,
The bad,
The impossible,
but is it probable?
I will never know,
I will never try.
I don't regret.
But sometimes I think I should regret not regretting,
For regretting would make me
Mysterious?
A man with a past,
Something he won't talk about.
I have a past, that's for sure,
But I will talk about it, if you will listen
If anyone would.
I have an idea of a future,
one where you aren't in it.
But who are 'you'?
I have a dream of a life,
where you and I are together.
Not you, the other you
But then again, who are 'you'?
Please, please,
Come out and say.

Reflections

I stare.
I stare aimlessly into the mirror
Into the eyes of the figure
The figure that isn't me at all.
My eyes burn
Retinas parched like a desert
Confusion sets in
Who is that looking back at me?
Though as I sink deeper into his eyes
I recognize
I recognize a person I once new
Someone who laughed
                        Smiled
                        Loved
But now he looks unfamiliar
Of that of the past
I stare even harder
My eyes scream for moisture
Then I blink
And there I am
Starring at myself
In the mirror

TO(get)HER

Forever.
Aspiration.
Miracle.
Inviting.
Loving.
Yours.

A Family is forever
Doesn't matter what happens
Aspiration keeps them alive
A Family is a miracle
Doesn't matter what you do
They always are inviting
A Family is loving
There for strength
To put a smile upon your face
A Family is Yours

I Focused Too Much On Shoelaces...They're Too Tight

I'm just dazed
In the unforgettable
Moment I'm in.
It's just strange,
The action that I go
Through each day.
I'm trying to get out,
I'm trying to leave,
But the days just go by,
Like seconds in my life.

Dave Smallen

So instead of me putting one of my writings up today, I thought I would help an artist out. Dave Smallen is musician that makes wonderful music and needs to be heard, so if interested, head over to www.davesmallen.com to listen to his stuff. He is a very talented person and needs the credit he deserves. His new album, "Everything Changes and Nothing Changes" comes out on iTunes 12.1.09. Please check him out.

They Say I Am A Hope(less Romantic)

What is this?

What hopes have I got myself into this time?

Your hair is growing old with this moment

And here we are, falling away like leaves upon a dead ground.

I desperately count my worries away

For if I shall fall asleep with them,

I always wake up on the wrong side.

I scream the quietest secret

For no one can know

My mind observes

And states:

"What is this?"

Think.knihT

Often in our lives, we look forward

We plan the future, make sure it goes our way

But many a time, I find myself looking back

Looking back on what I have done

And who it has made me today.

The people that have touched my life

Motivated, encouraged me

The people that have hurt my life

Pushed it down, hurt me

I can't help but to be so thankful for all of them

Brian Naylor wouldn't be Brian Naylor if not for them.

I find myself at times fighting things in my life

I fight feelings, thoughts, the past

But I always lose that fight

My mind comes full circle

Back to those thoughts

What am I to do?

Do I give up on something great?

Should I seek the work for a different happiness?

At night, I lay and stare at the light on the fire alarm

It helps me

Helps me get my thoughts gathered

But I still can never figure out what to do

So here I am

Sitting

Thinking

Getting nowhere

My heart longs for a love

My mind longs for a peace

Can I ever get those to coexist?

I guess I'll just have to start look ahead

Here's to the Future

Your Eyes

What happens in the end?

What happens when we love?

What makes us be(lie)ve?

The love makes our heart jump

Gives us chills through our body

The love makes us lose our thoughts

Our mind

Our Hearts

When I look in your eyes

It's as though I can feel your love

Your heart

You

When I look into your eyes

There is nowhere I'd rather be

Because you can always make me happy

Yeah, sometimes it gets frustrating

It sometimes gets complicated

But when I look in your eyes

For some reason, all that is

In my mind

Well

It just leaves, goes somewhere else

Because when I look in your eyes

It makes my heart jump

Gives me chills

Makes me lose my thoughts

My mind

My heart

Stress? Perhaps. I don't know.

So I have been busy lately and haven't taken the time to write new stuff. I thought I would be able to update everyday, but I guess not. My mind lately has been busy, a thousand thoughts. I just don't know what to do about a lot of stuff at the moment, but I keep my head up high.

The cool breeze grasps at my lungs

I try to take in the moment

But it seems as though my mind is stuck on you

That is a problem some say

But I dare to say it's not

To be able to close my eyes

And imagine your beautiful smile

Or get a glimpse of a moment

Where you gazed into my eyes

I love you and I always will

So take my hand

And we'll run away

Hmmm....

So I have no new stuff to post so I guess I'll just make something up on the spot:

I walk briskly in the cool wind

Then upon the hill I collapse

I stare at the tree above

It feels as though as it is my shelter

My protection from life

I shiver

What am I doing?

The music that is pounding my ears

Feels as though it is just background noise

The clouds slowly roll over the blue sky

The sun peaks out and blinds me

I keep on a thought

I hate it

I hate the grass

I hate the sky

I hate the trees

I can feel the ground warming with my presence

I have been here too long

I need to get out

But where?

A tear slowly rolls down my numb cheek

My eyes, blurred with the oh-so-common moisture

I can't do this anymore

My soul needs the joy

But where has it gone?

Finally, I dose off, into my dreams

Please!

If the day breaks and I'm not there

Be sure to tell me

If the summer days come around and I'm not there

Be sure to warn me

Cause I can't seem to get up anymore

And I hope that this what I'm waiting for

Oh please tell me what we are here for

Oh please tell what I'm doing here

Cause I know that this can't be the end

And moments on end we're just sitting here

Oh please tell me what I'm doing here

The grass is dying with each silhouette

And I lost it all to a silly bet

The tracks keep playing through my stupid head

Tonight I just can't seem to get to bed

Oh please tell me what I'm doing here

My phone is lying completely motionless

My soul is stained with my sins

And I have more loses then I do wins

Oh please tell me what I'm doing here

The checkmarks on your crazy list

Mark the moments that I have always missed

My car is smelling like old take out food

How I speak to you, it depends on my mood

Oh please tell me what I'm doing here

Do You?

The sun's been coming up a little bit too late

And I'm tired of being here in the dark

Oh, I know that your around

And I know that your still here

But I need to know

Do you, do you

Do you love me?

I'm drawing blanks

An endless stare

For I don't know what to do

I don't know where to go

My heart sets out on a path

That is different than the truth

Do you, do you

Do you know what to do?

The moments passed a little too fast

And I wasn't quite ready

The future was to be looked out for

But now it's right before my very eyes

My mind was set on a fairy tell

Oh I wish I could say 'Happily Ever After'

Do you, do you

Do you really think this is right?

Life

Well, I'm trying to write on here everyday, but that isn't really working out. This last week has been a good one, better than the one before, that's for sure. Change is upon me and I am scared crap-less, but I'll face it like I do with any problem. I am glad to have friends and family in my life with me to help me in times of need, and hope they know that I am here to help them whenever they need it. I'm glad that my best buddy and I are on the same page again, for he has brightened my week! So here's to another week of fun, hope it can be as surprising as this previous one!!! And here is a poem about LIFE:

Have you ever watched rain pour from the sky?

Ever just watched an ant walk on by?

Did you ever just stop and think about life?

Have you ever just sat alone, starring at the wall?

Ever just watched an object fall?

Did you ever just stop and think about life?

Have you ever watched a person laugh?

Ever just dose off in a bath?

Did you ever just stop and think about life?

Have you ever watched a pencil write?

Ever just watched the bubbles in a glass of sprite?

Did you ever just stop and think about life?

Have you ever sat in a field of snow?

Ever just watched a friendship grow?

Did you ever just stop and think about life?

The Sandman

Curiously and carelessly take a stroll

Who knows where you will go

Fall asleep on top of a grassy knoll

Let the Sandman take you away

Take you away from this sad and melancholy day

Take you away from all the stupid things I say

Just lay your head back

And let the sun hit your eyes

Let the breeze pick you up

Ans let the Sandman take you away

A Summer Day...

This is one of my favorite poems that I have written:

As the light comes down and warms my face

I wonder about life, this one big race

As the grass seeps into my veins

I can feel the numbing pain

I can touch the breeze with my fingers

The scent that just seems to linger

I close my eyes and fall asleep

And as I lay there, the rain slowly creeps

It comes down, washing away my sin

But in all of this, I seem to grin

This perfect summer day never seems to end

Is it real? Or all just pretend?

Will I wake up? Have the coldness rush upon me?

Be drowning in the one big sea

The one big sea we call Earth

In and out of the same old routine

Trying to balance life on the beam

The beam that everyone sets to high

You laugh so hard, you seem to cry

Sometimes you get pushed around

Sometimes you are lost and never found

Being by yourself is the best thing to do

Remembering all your friendships that grew

As you close your eyes, everything comes back

You remember the memories you seem to lack

Like when the family sat down to say grace

You open your eyes as the light comes down and warms your face

Tears, Fears, and Cheers

Clear panes upon the window seal

Watch as the dew rolls down

Cool mist comes through the screen

The rich air, the gentle breeze

Close your eyes, let the moisture grab you

Leave worries behind you

And just take in the day

Become one with the drops

And fall to the ground

Drift off to the sweet summer lullaby

Take in the beauty, the hope in the skies

The gutters fill, take our sorrows away

The rain cleans our body, our breath, our step

No need to look back, the past is the past

The future is not set, it gives us the chances we need

Just keep moving forward, don't turn around

Keep an eye out for the warming sun

To clear your mind, to clear your heart

Everyone has their place, you just need to find yours

You have the strength to give what you have to give

Woke up when September ended to find it snowing

This morning I woke up from a nice sleep, I am getting better at this whole go to bed early thing. I think my body is starting to recover and feel normal again. This week I have not been feeling myself, I am never in a real good mood and I just feel sad...and I know exactly why. Hopefully though that in the next few months that follow(even the years that follow) will be happy and my dreams and plans work out. That WE work out. Anyways, enough of that. My feet are wet, my legs are getting dry and I am cold. I am developing this love/hate relationship for the weather up here in Logan. I am enjoying the weather right now, but this morning, heading to biology, I hated it. I was nearly completely soaked when I arrived, along with being very cold. I need warmer cloths and gear. And also something to cover my backpack so Clifford can stay warm and dry. I really wish I had a good poem to post today, but all I have is my old Creative Writing stuff, so here is a poem I wrote last year:

Chairs are the best way to sit

They provide back support and a place to rest

But resting is the best in bed

With big pillows and such

But it’s not great when someone eats crackers

While they are in bed

Then its makes everything all scratchy

And that is never good

When I climb in, I notice crumbs

Frustrated, I get out

There is no more clean sheets

Oh dear

So I think that I will just stand

Oh wait, there is a chair.

Fall

This is a fiction story I wrote a while back:

It is late September, the air is a brisk cold and the trees have shed the life of the year and are bare. The wind picks up and scatters leaves across the field as I walk across. I pull the zipper up higher on my thin, brown jacket, I can feel the fear come over me as I draw nearer to my destination. I know that this moment will change my life. I pause as I reach the corner, I stare up the street. There it is, the house. This isn’t any normal house though, this house is special. I start walking up the street, the sun is setting behind me, extending my shadow on the street. I reach the house, I stop. My thoughts start to drift off to a year ago where the sun setting didn’t mean darkness for me. I was in a park, swinging, swinging as high I the warm chains would allow me to. I could feel the sand shifting in my shoes, the wind passing every one of my hairs, and her voice. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. She was standing in front of the swing set watching me. Watching me, never letting her dark blue eyes move off of me. She moved her long brown hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ears. “You know, you can’t stay on there forever.” She said.

I wish I was still on that swing set, watching her. She was beautiful.

I made my way across the front yard, it was still damp from the sprinklers that came on in the morning. It never got warm enough anymore for water to evaporate. Nothing ever left here, once it was here, it was here to stay. I knew that that implied to me also, I was here to stay, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t leave. I reached the front steps, I slowly walked up them, counting each one. One, two, three, and four. There I was, staring at the door. I knew I had to do it, this couldn’t stay inside of me anymore. I opened the screen door and felt my cold knuckles hit the wooden door. Same as the steps, one, two, three, and four. The moment between me knocking and the door opening felt like an eternity. Leave I was telling myself, run as far away as you can and never look back. The door opened. There she was, her hair was shorter, but besides that, it was the same girl. The same girl that had drove me crazy everyday since the night on the swing set. I think she already knew why I was there, for she didn’t say anything. There wasn’t much emotion on her face, I was having a hard time reading her. We starred in each other’s eyes for a brief moment. Then I did it, I did what I was fearing to do since the first day I met her.

“I love you.”

Two-Faced

Today I feel tired. I really not in the best of moods, and sleep could probably be the cause of that. Last night(around 12:30) I went with Dan, Chuck, and people to Rancheritos, which is pretty much Betos. It was good and fun, and when I got back I went to bed. I did though, had a hard time falling asleep, tossing and turning. I did finally go to bed at 2ish, only to be woken at 4:45 by people being loud. I think it was just Chuck and I asleep. So I'm a little annoyed with some people right now, because it is just now that they are awakening for the day, not bothered that classes were missed.

Anyways here is a recent poem I wrote that I really like:

Oh where'd you go?

Those summer days are over

And the nights are getting slower

You're not the same person

And we're just getting farther

Where did we all go wrong?

I saw it all along

A friendship that's supposed to last

Is dying pretty fast

Oh where'd you go?

You're a two faced human bean

You're not what everyone sees

The friend that I once new

Has disappeared again

Your new life is what counts

You don't have any doubts

As I sit all alone

You conquer the social throne

So where'd you go?

And maybe as time goes by

You'll finally realize why

I was in your life

And we shall reminisce

About all the times we missed

But till then I'll wonder

Where'd you go?

Changing Times

Have you ever felt something incredible?

But it slips away in a moments time?

I swear I love her

but she's already gone

And I don't think that she'll ever turn back

I sit alone in my empty room

And think of the times we had

Like when I held her

And looked into her eyes

And when she kissed me

And everything was alright

Home

Since I am home for the weekend, I find myself alone in my room, a rare event in Logan. As I sit in my bed, I am looking through my notebook and I run into this poem I wrote right before heading to college:

I go around this neighborhood

Relive my childhood

The memories in the back of my head

The times that I will never forget

Now I'm 18, my whole life now ahead

Who will I be? Where will I go?

These streets are so familiar to me

Yet I have to go, I can't look back

Never have I been away for more than two weeks

This home has always been my only home

I leave with what things I have

Hoping that I won't have to come back

Plan is to go and make something of me

Define who I am, and what I will become

But yet, these streets seem so familiar to me

This is my home, my only home

Sigur Ros and a Fire Sprinkler

So I drove home this weekend and hope to have some fun down here. The drive was nice I guess, I listened to Motion City Soundtrack the whole way. I love the way Justin writes his lyrics, they are just so catchy......anyways besides that, the drive was boring.

So the other evening, I was in one of those weird moods where you just don't feel present. So I pulled out the Love Sac into the middle of our living room, collapsed upon it, and turned on some Sigur Ros. For the next twenty minutes or so, I sat there, starring at a fire sprinkler, thinking and listening. It was a wonderful moment. I suddenly came back to reality and shut my iPod off and ran into my room, pulled out my notebook and wrote this:

A moments glimpse of the future

What is to be

Time Replayed

Of what was

Does everything happen for a reason?

I close my eyes

Time is played before me

I can see it now

Will it come true?

The days change into seasons

Are You There?

God, are you there?

Are you speaking to me?

I need you to show me what I need to see

I'm lost and confused

I need some news

Please help me

God, are you with me?

Are you by my side?

I need help with the truth and lies

All those thoughts racing in my head

I need to know what my soul should be fed

Please help me

God, are you listening?

Are you giving me hope?

Help me find the things that I need most

Help me find my light, so it can glow

I'm so lost in my life, I could cry

But if I do, I need you by my side

To help me through these times

So please help me

Get some rest

Show me what is truly the best

So when I go to bed at night

Never again will I have to ask

"God are you there?"

Emergency Awakening

This morning I was awakened by the sound of my phone vibrating because I had a phone call. Who may it be? The USU emergency alert system doing a test. Groggy, I glance at the clock: 9:15. Wonderful, my biology lab started at 8:30. I swear this biology stuff is going to be the death of me, I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. So I arrive at my lab and the kid sitting next to me let me copy his worksheet for the current lab, THANK YOU!!! This will probably effect my lab report because I didn't really do the lab, but all is well....for now. But here I am once again sitting in the USU library doing homework, but this time it's fun homework. Today I have to write a review of something other than a film, so that should be interesting....I wish I had some writings to post, but I don't at the moment. Maybe I can post my personal narrative or something, but for now this is all.

I don't know what to think

I am sitting here in the Library at USU on the fourth floor trying to finish my Biology. I don't like biology, I don't understand it, but yet, I am in the class and I have to force myself to learn. I came up to Utah State University with the intent of becoming a Horticulturist, that plan was thrown out after the first week....and now, I don't know what I want to really do with my life. Lately though, I have been pondering about becoming a writer, because writing is something that comes easy for me, it is something that I love to do. The one problem is though....how do I know if I am a good writer? Everyone who reads my stuff just says the classic response: "It's good, I like it." You like it? Why do you like it? It never helps me. Maybe I can use this blog to post some writings and see what people think. Even if I were to become a writer, how the heck would I make money? Being a writer isn't really the best field to go into if you need to survive. I just hope with time, I will figure what I truly want in life and where I really want to go. Well, back to biology.